He’ll Be OK: Growing Gorgeous boys into Good Men by Celia Lashlie (Harper Collins, 2005)
The title is intriguing and the book more so. Already had your fill of reading “How To” parenting books? Here is one that challenges and informs and will probably leave you looking at young men differently.
Celia Lashlie writes with authority. A social researcher who spent 15 years as a warden in male prisons (a world of “lost potential”) she brings insight into how boys end up in trouble and how this might be avoided. The book goes further than this, however, tracing Lashlie’s experiences with The Good Man Project, an action research project carried out during 20022004 across 25 participating boys’ schools in New Zealand.
The Good Man Project aimed to raise discussion within and between schools on “what makes a good man in the 21st century.” Many issues around manhood were covered – relationships, behaviour, emotions, boundaries and how these all develop. Input from parents, teachers and boys are brought together in a fascinating summary, skilfully balanced with the author’s personal experiences of raising her son.
The book is challenging. Though highly readable – simple, straightforward and warmly human - the content will almost certainly make you stop and question it. Whether or not you agree, you will be left with much to consider. For instance, one of the main research findings is that, “Mothers, particularly white middle-class mothers, are overly involved in the lives of their adolescent sons …the central issue in the lives of adolescent boys is getting mothers off the bridge of adolescence, and fathers onto it.” (Please note that Lashlie raised two children as a single mum, and includes a chapter for single parents).
Allowing males to do male stuff in male ways may sound tough - but read the evidence before deciding. To quote one Year 7 boy in the book, “Don’t worry for us. Let us make mistakes, be hungry, be late. Chill out!” Lashlie reassures us as mothers that the boys will come to us when they really need us.
Boys’ discussions of topics such as alcohol, drugs, sports and girls are frequently humorous and very revealing. For me, the explanation of what really goes on inside a monosyllabic 14 year old boy’s head is worth the price of the book. I now look at 14 year olds with a new tolerance and affection.
If you have, or are going to have, a teenage boy in your life, this book just might be essential reading.
Helen Wilson
Montessori Matters 2009
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